White as a ghost.....

im sick of your mind games.....seriously im done. Just say how you feel...just because you make it so i can't...you scared me you know...you really did. And the image keeps playing over and over in my mind. I can't be around you anymore. I really can't. i can't even talk to you...it's that ridiculous. Your crabby so what?? don't take it out on me....it scarring, it's horrible, it's sad. You just don't get it...i watch everything go right through you...your a ghost. You mise well not be here at all. All you do is sit there and yell and say things that simply should not be said. And you wonder why there's this "tension"....really how do you not see it?....I know i'm not the only one who sees this there's numerous but there all too scared to speak up....
I asked you one question... ONE. And this all happened.This sounds so cliche....but your ruining "it"....all of it. but you probably don't even care.

The biggest let down...

Why do you do it? You know your just gonna get let down again...but theres a certain spark, a flicker of hope i guess and you go for it...everytime. You fall in that hole and get hurt....everytime. And when you finally get out it's like you almost willingly jump right back in... Why don't you think about it?...Why do you fall for their clever tricks...there good...yes i'll admit there really good, but your better. I see it tear you up inside. It's sad. I see it get you so down that you dont even want to do anything but sit there. Its hard to watch. You've learned to hate the ones you love...well should love. But do you?...you say you do...well do you??...i want you to figure it out. It seems like it would almost be easier for you to get somewhere in life...cause it's holding you back... if you hadn't noticed...Once again your better than this...so much better. Come back to the way you used to be...when it all didn't seem so hard...cause your destined for so much better...i know it.

The last stretch...

in so many days it will be may...and that means that school is almost over....oh thank goodness. but who knows what this summer will bring....im almost scared because of all the things that are happening at this very moment. everyone and everything seems different....why?....it's a part of life this i understand but still..i wish it would just stop i guess....but i won't let it ruin my summer....yep im super excited!!!

Getting nowhere fast...

don't you hate it when people make the littlest things the biggest deals...oh its so annoying and yes i know i do it too but some people.....well it's just ridiculous. Like who cares who you sit by in this class or in the car...who cares if there going to be there too you don't have to talk to them ya know....nobody's making you. Who cares if they didn't ask you to hang out first...they still asked you didn't they?....who cares if you wear sweats every day....cause we all know i do....there just clothes aren't they?.....and who cares if they look at you funny... they probably just have something in there eye...and if not....WHO CARES!!........ugh sadly i could go on for hours....we all need to stop this.

The little things...

Your so small i can barely see you...like a speck of dirt on the floor. Oh but how you get me tugging at this insanely long hair of mine. Your in my head and i just can't seem to get you out...LEAVE...i just want to sit on a bridge and yell absurd things that nobody can hear....Why do i let you get to me...your hardly worth my time. Really your not even a big deal....I need to work and work at this...to form a new perspective on life....it's going to take some time..but i have some great motivation :)

Spontaneous...

That's what i want to be.....spontaneous. I want to stop taking life for granted. I want to live life to the fullest...no more sitting around or even just driving around. I'm going to do things now....i'm gonna have fun. But with all these things now i've become so busy...grrr. Hopefully i can figure this out...i have to.
Why do we treat life the way we do. Like it's always going to be here....like WE are ALWAYS going to be here....because we're not....we all know this. Yet we go on studying all night sometimes and worrying over these little things that are so not worth our short time here.....but we won't stop because to live "the life" this is what we have to do...
And who cares if you stay out a little late on the weekends why should you get punished...if you doing nothing wrong im sure you all agree....or have a taste of something new.....it's not that big of a deal..if you want it go for it....who cares what they all think....because who knows what tomorrow will bring....

Spring....

it's always this part of the year....i just can't bear it. And i don't know why. You would think i would be super pumped... i mean summer is so close i can taste it...i just don't know. Everything changes this time of year i guess you could say....at least that's how it seems. My moods, actions, and dreams. Really though i dream about the strangest things lately.....and i've heard it means something....but who really knows.
I wish i could figure it out.. but most of all i wish i could figure you out.... Oh you've really got me now....and i hate it.

Let's drive away and be stupid...

Let's just forget it...and pretend it never happened....oh wouldn't that be great....at least for me it would. It's been driving me nuts. How did it happen?How did all of this happen?Why do we all act like it never did. All those itty bitty details are huge. So big i can't even comprehend them. And why is it just me who thinks about this...why don't you?You say im blowing this out of proportion...am i?....maybe...

i would like to think i am but deep down i don't think this true...or maybe i don't want to. Why wouldn't i?....everything was, is, so great and i have no reason to act this way....yet i do. Doesn't it drive you crazy too. You seem ok with it....is that bad too??

Why am i like this...Why do i ask so many questions lately.....Why am i so complicated suddenly....

I can't wait till this is over...

Go away...

Why is it when you come around i want to hit someone....or stay inside when it's so beautiful outside. I don't want to talk to anyone i just want to talk to my family.....it's weird. It's only when you come around too...WHY????...every single time. It doesn't make sense...you don't make sense....nothing makes sense anymore.

Sleepless Nights....

Screw it all....this fake little story you tell everyone. We both know it's not true....well that's a lie because from the get go i thought it was too....and now i feel dumb. I feel tricked and sucked into this way to soon......but i wasn't....was i? I don't know what i was thinking or how this happened. Why didn't anyone stop me? Why didn't i stop myself?...and because of this im here alone wondering....why. Im filled with questions and a burning feeling in my chest i know should not be here....its all so stupid. I've given up on you and your tricks....your nonsense and stupidity. or my stupidity...i tried to think it was reality when really it was all just a made up story.....I regret everything that happened today...why did i say these things?......uhhhh

We're getting old...

Wow so today i know of 3 people who got their license...it's awesome! It's crazy just going around town and seeing all the people you went to school with for all of these years driving. And while im still driving with my mom it won't be long till im out there too....hopefully. I keep reminiscing lately. And i miss it so much. I remember thinking i was so cool when i got to the middle school. And than thinking how crazy it will be when i turn 16 and can drive. And now i'm almost there...it's kind of scary to think in 2 years we'll all be (well most of us) out on our own. In college pursuing our careers, getting married and starting our families. It's almost a blur at least this year has been. These past 15 ...almost 16... years have been great.

An honest mistake...

You said you trusted me but did you really? Don't get me wrong it's not like I deserve it. Especially now. So if you didn't i understand. A mistake.... and an honest mistake at that. It wasn't only me...we all do it... matter of fact we've done it millions of times and i'm almost positive you knew all along. But why is it now that it's down on paper your like this? You don't believe me....and i thought for sure you would be the one who would. I thought you would take my side in all this nonsense but you've turned the tables back on me...Well now i know.

The times they are a changin...

Come gather now people wherever you roam and admit that the waters around you have grown, and accepted that soon we'll be drenched to the bone, if your time to you is worth saving than you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone. For the times they are a changing.


Everything is different. Not necessarily in a bad way. How can a great game of phase 10 lasting until deep in the night turn to this? How can one best friend drift and so quickly be replaced? How can I hang out with you every night of everyday?
It almost drives me crazy how i can see you changing and yet i'm unable to do a thing. Or how now that i've sat here and reflected i could have seen this months ago. but i didn't until now....it was so obvious and i didn't even get a hint of suspicion. I was too busy with my own drama. I put you last when really you should have been first because i know i was probably near yours. But i can't help but think this is supposed to happen and there's not much we can do about it. These changes are all happening so fast...


Another Rant...

Looking...

Late at night...8:30 to be exact...you were there. I told you everything and we reflected. When the night was complete i felt amazing. Flying high somewhere way above all the problems. When really we were just laying in the grass. Why it felt so amazing im not really sure....you were like a drug i quickly became addicted. But it wasn't hard to break away from you. Things were changing. New friends, later and longer nights, a new home. I wasn't there with you i ditched you too many times to name. What was almost nightly went to none in less than a few weeks. It would seem i traded you for something better. I want to say that but it still seems i lost a lot when i lost you. One day i hoep i find you again...

Evil little man...

Shoot me now....Yeah that's right pull the trigger. No worries...im just done with that evil little man...drama.

It drives me nuts...absolutely nuts. I try to avoid the drama but lately it seems like it consumes my life. I wake up every morning and get up and something is there...i feel his presence. And as much as i fight back he won't go away. And the sad thing is i think i know whose brought this evil little man into my life. But even though he bothers me you don't. Never really. And i don't want to lose your friendship.It makes absolutely no sense at all...maybe we can figure this out and destory that evil little man.

Trapped in my head....

i saw you...at least i thought i saw you. It's been awhile...5 years to be exact. And now i can't get you out of my head. Why are you here? And how long? Whats' your plan of action or do you even have one? Probably not. I don't want to see you. I want you out of my head. It took me long enough to get you out and now your back. At the worst possible time even...you always had great timing...But i want to talk to you and tell you how i feel. If you care...because it hasn't been easy that's for sure. You have no idea. I don't even know anymore...all i know is that you've ruined it...and it's going to be a long journey from here....again.

To you...

How can i get along with everyone else but you? i can be nice...sometimes...but never to you. Although you don't seem to make an attempt to do the same for me. Why? I try to please you maybe because im seeking your respect and friendship. But why? You don't care...or do you? I can't figure you out. And you get along with the rest of us but not me. I used to yearn for your attention and now im done. I don't want it. And all of a sudden your giving it out like candy. Well it's fine cause you'll just take it back like you did before. I've known you for years...well not really... do i really know you? i wish...

Simple...

I dont care...it's that simple. Why i tried to please you i don't even know. At first i thought i was at fault but now i've found it's you. For making me feel like crap cause you weren't man enough to take the blame. Or simply just because your way too paranoid. Instead of talking about it with me you tell everyone else but to the only person that it would pertain to. Do you know how this made me feel? And don't give me that same old shit "Your always too busy!" when really it's you don't know. You act like your the only one hurting but you wouldn't even know. When your where i am maybe you'll understand. But i guess since this is all "my" fault i deserve it... I thought we were great friends but i guess not cause now that i think about it when were you there for me?...cause you certainly arent here now. And i know i haven't always been there for you so your right... maybe it was a fairtyale. I hate this...a possible loss of a fairytale friend.


I'm Sorry.

I wish I could explain...

Why is it so easy to hurt the people you love?Why do we do it?Is it because we know that they'll end up forgiving us? That could be it...Why would anyone do this. At the moment i'm full of questions that probably won't be answered for awhile. Until something deep inside gets loose and stops haunting me. Maybe i'll just give in and accept all blame...than it will go away...but than i wonder do i deserve all blame...?I thought i was innocent but am i?
I wish i could expain....

Beautiful People

old friends... i miss them. lately i've talked to them but it's weird. I remember what we used to do...way back when. Things i told them and they told me. I forget they know. They seem to know it all. That comfort i felt before ...telling them everything... still exists. I want to spill it all. But it's been weeks, months, almost years. Why do i want to tell them everything? Don't get me wrong i'm glad we're getting close again... but why? It's such a weird feeling... i don't get it. Hopefully i'll figure it out...maybe they just are beautiful people:D

Lucky...

How can you go from two people you completely trust to seven?... I guess i don't know if i should but why shouldn't i? as of now all is well. Some of these people i could walk with for miles... and some i could just sit with them til 4 or 5 in the morning. When did i get so lucky?

Baby Face...

Pictures... i absolutely positively hate hate hate hate hate taking pictures!...anyone who knows me knows this. But to be honest i love it...months later. If you were born photogenic than you probably don't understand... It's just crazy to see how much we've all changed over time. and remembering the incredible moments that took place. i definitely don't want to forget those memories. Im gonna have to say it's in my top 3 greatest inventions!

Family...

I love my family... today... and tomorrow i'll probably want to smother them with my pillow. Typical...for me. No family is perfect and we all know that. I love how imperfect my family is. Those who know me will understand this. But the other day as i was eating chex mix with my brother i realized how far from perfect we all are. And i've found that because of this we're closer. We're faced with these hard times in which we look to eachother for help. And i love it. By knowing we're not perfect and we never will be we let our guards down and let those we love in. It's great...

Complicated :(

I cannot figure this out. Yes or No? That's all i have to say yet i can't figure it out. Im stuck where i usually am...in the middle. I can think of reasons why i should and reasons why i shouldn't. As we get older we get faced with more decisions. And i thought i would love it but i just want someone to figure this out for me and i'll play puppet.

When all else fails...

When everything seems to be going downhill i've found the best thing to do is to go on a walk. i don't like going by myself ... too weird...so i'll call up a friend. Everything that i've been thinking and stressing just pours out of me like a waterfall and doesn't stop. Schools been less stressful and all the other little things eating at me have just melted away and seem to have been almost a waste of breath. jeepers if only i'd figured this out years ago...

Tripod?

Why is it that who you hang out with determines who you "really" are? Of course these help us decide if we even want to get to know these people but think of all the people your passing up who could possibly be the most interesting people you'll meet. I've found that when i talk to new people i'm so fascinated. For example there was this one group of people who i thought were kind of on the weird side. and because one of my other friends happened to hang out with them dragged me along i met some hilarious people that have made me laugh incredibly hard. I can always expect a great time with them... minus the cruel nick names. :D

-Gimp

Grades...

The other day in my math class our teacher was handing back our tests. Fortunately i got an A and was super excited. And i overheard the weirdest thing. " Yes a C+!" What did i just hear... Happy about a C+? thats ridiculous. When i get a C im usually pretty devestated.

Then it got me thinking isn't a C considered average? What's going on? This is just proof that our society has changed for our generation extremely. I have so many friends that stress ridiculously over schoolwork. Sometimes i just try to get it done and roll with that. But I always feel horrible when i get anything lower than an A-. And i know i'm not the only one. Weird...

Follow-up

wow i feel like a horrible person. After everyone presented i felt selfish. I mean so many people in my class put a lot of thought into what they did. Of course i thought it was a good project and as bad as it sounds i made a wonderful idea for a project into a big deal. Like it was another nuisance from school.I mean volunteering really. It's not hard at all. We all should do it. When i heard what Amy V. and Maddi D. did i was inspired.( And of course i'm going to donate blood at the blood drive because i'll finally be 16.) So i've decided to attempt another volunteer project... And i'm super excited!

hero...

When we got the hero project i was convinced that we were to do something amazing and truly heroic. Like organize walk-a-thon or blood drive. I was troubled i didn't really think that by just helping someone shovel their driveway or hanging out with little kids or visiting with the elderly at the nursing homes that you were doing something heroic. Until i did it. I mean i know i didn't do anything remarkable but i know i made a difference in someones life. Not to mention how much better i felt.

J-10

so me and amy are sitting in j-10...bored. Amy's done with her review but i'm not. Far from it actually. I just can't get my head into it. I'm doing this in hopes of getting rid of my "writers block" I keep thinking about faded memories of this wonderful break that seems years away.

I should probably get back to my review...amy's going to help me! :D